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How It Should Be - Twilight

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Mar. 24th, 2009 | 07:23 pm
mood: blah blah

My first Twilight fic... go easy on me, please.

Title: How It Should Be
Fandom: Twilight - During New Moon, Alternate Universe after about the 3rd chapter or so.
Status: Completed
Genre: Romance/Angst
Main Pairing: Edward/Bella
Summary: Edward left Bella, lying to her, saying that he didn't love her anymore. One night of weakness would have been nothing but a dream had not fate intervened.


How It Should Be

I


He left me.

He left me.

The ground was soft with moss, cold and strangely dry from the thick canopy overhead. I laid my head down roughly, making my teeth rattle a bit. I ignored the jolt of pain.

It was nothing compared to my bleeding heart.

Broken. Shattered. Whatever.

Without him, my cardiac puzzle pieces wouldn’t fit anymore. He was my glue, my stronghold. He was my everything.

He was. He is.

He left me.

I feel sick, nauseous. Something was wrong, is wrong. My heart gave a thump and seemed to stop if only for a second. I was alone, am alone.

The memories won’t go away.

Months later, I thought that I had dreamt him, holding him, kissing me, taking me. The dream was so real. My body ached when I woke up. Yet, I accepted that it was a dream, a silly fantasy of what could have been but never will be. I was still human after all and he, well, he was Edward.

Yet, I felt it and my body remembered.

It’s still remembering.

Dreams aren’t really dreams nowadays.

But then, there is no such thing as vampires, right?

They look at me differently now. The scandal is there. My friends aren’t my friends anymore, except maybe Angela who does bother to at least speak to me occasionally. I no longer sit where I once did with my semi-new friends in this too-green world. I sit where they sat before they left.

I was alone when he left. Now, I never am – not in the deepest meaning of that word –funny that I have him to thank for that as well. But I’m so lonely. My father loves me yet, we talk less now than ever before. My mother stopped calling me whether out of guilt for not raising me to never follow in her footsteps or she is angry with me.

Life is a struggle.

But he keeps me going, my baby, my love’s final farewell. A little life that makes no sense to me. A new creation born out of damnation.

Yet, I love him already.

Perhaps, more than I love Edward.

I’m so protective of him already that it amazes me. Call it motherhood or hormones I don’t care which. I want to save him from his fate, from this mixed-up star-crossed love story that I’ve found myself in.

Yes, I do love him.

He’s my world without Edward.

I never thought that I would want children, that I would crave holding him as much as I do. He’s my only thing keeping me sane, keeping me breathing.

Even though he’s killing me.

I catch Jessica’s eye from across the cafeteria. Quickly she turns her attention to Mike who was once my greatest admirer turned greatest apathetic person. He’s not cruel. I don’t see Mike as one who would harm people just for the hell of it. Mike just simply doesn’t want to cause trouble so he says nothing. He just pretends that I don’t exist.

A snide part of me tells me that he was soft on me, perhaps even loved me. How life would have been so simple if only I had chose Mike Newton over Edward Cullen. Human vs. vampire. Love vs. abandonment.

Not that Edward knew about my state when he left – the second time. He may be a telepath but he’s no Alice. Hell, I didn’t know myself. Perhaps even Alice didn’t see this coming – if so would she even believe her own visions. Surely, something of this magnitude was never probable. Was it believed to be impossible?

And why, why was it not impossible?

The late bell rings, a few stragglers remain from lunch. Once more I was caught lost in my daydreams.

***

I allowed myself a smile as I caught sight of the handlebars of the dirt bike poking out from over the sides of my truck’s bed and the tall broad-shouldered boy leaning against the passenger door. I even allowed him to lean me into a hug, knowing in the back of my mind that Lauren was watching, that Jessica was whispering, that rumors were likely to spread.

I tried to imagine Edward in the strong arms that held me, but Jacob was too warm, too soft despite his features.

I missed the arms of steel, the body of marble, the temperature of ice. Suddenly, it felt so overwhelming that I was fighting back tears.

He left me.

He wasn’t coming back.

“Charlie got you an appointment,” muttered Jacob the moment I fastened my seatbelt, not at all irritated that I wouldn’t be driving.

Until then, that is.

I considered snatching my keys but soon they were in the ignition and we were making our way out of the school parking lot. I was stuck.

“With who?” I asked, trying to focus more on my irritation than the fear that threatened to take me over.

My heart began to pound as Jacob gave me an obvious look and glance at the bump barely visible under my large shirt – ironically one of his. I felt that my lungs were getting no air. I felt cold, too cold, like a creeping ice making my soul frostbit and burn – nothing like the comforting coolness of Edward’s skin.

The warmth of Jacob’s hand in mind brought my mind from Edward, as if a drowning person into sunlight and air. I felt sick.

“I can’t... You know I can’t…” I whispered, wanting to scream but suddenly had no energy.

I was afraid.

“You have nothing to fear about the bloodsucker.” Jacob caught my glare at him from the corner of his eyes. He sighed, looking at the road. “It’s possible that he’ll be normal, you know?”

I felt a tiny feather-like touch from within. I knew normal would never be the case ever again.

“You’re father doesn’t think so,” I said quietly, not needing to say anything at all, knowing that deep down he knew the truth. I turned my head from gazing out the window and looked at him. “You know so, Jacob. Why do you try so hard?”

“For you.”

His face was like baked clay, hard and russet brown. His eyes were like coal looking straight ahead, never once straying back to me. He stayed silent, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly.

I looked out the window once more, fighting a sigh until a sign caught my eye. Suddenly, a sharp pang rang through my body as I realized what Jacob had done, though I was unsure if the pain was physical as well as mental.

We had just passed into the Reservation.

***

I felt like a perpetual toddler, fighting their father because they didn’t want to go to the doctor. I felt like a prisoner of war being marched into a firing squad. I felt like a freak to these people, all dark skin and features. I felt so incredibly pale.

The irony was not lost on me.

My hands tightened convulsively on my abdomen. I felt the pain begin from the inside. I felt the drainage from within me. I felt my tiny baby seem to rip me from within. I glared once more at my best friend.

“Was this my father’s idea?”

“Partly,” he muttered, guiding me into a crowded waiting room full of hyper children, tired mothers, and pregnant beaming patients. I realized with a pang that I was the youngest in the room – apart from the children. I watched as an older woman’s wizened eyes watched me as Jacob signed my name on a piece of paper. The woman beside her – her daughter perhaps – seemed oblivious to me, as she rocked her infant gently at her breast.

Jacob made to steer me into a seat when a beaming couple in their twenties came out, gushing over an ultrasound picture. Tears welled in my eyes as the man kissed the woman on the forehead gently, a soft smile on his face. I felt Jacob wrap his arm around my shoulders and take me to the only two available seats together – beside the woman who had not taken her eyes off of me from the moment I walked in.

“This was partly my father’s idea,” Jacob whispered in my ear as I watched the happy couple leave.

“I thought Billy hated me,” I said quietly, tonelessly. I felt so numb.

“He doesn’t Bella.”

“It’s dangerous for me to be here. The elders made it quite clear that I was not to be on the Reservation–”

“It’s also dangerous,” Jacob cut off my tirade, “for you to go without seeing a doctor who knows about… the complications. Don’t worry about the elders.”

I fell silent. I knew he was right.

Not like I’d ever tell him that though.

“Isabella Swann,” a kind nurse said my name and with a deep breath I stood up. Jacob made to follow me but I stopped him with a hand on his chest.

“This is something I have to do alone.”

***

The drive home was uneventful. The picture in my hand was all I cared about. This alien looking creature seemed to jump out of the blackness like a projection on the glossy paper.

He was beautiful.

“Will he… will it hurt?” I felt incredibly stupid.

“All childbirth hurts, Bella, but in your case it’s likely to kill you.”

She had been so direct that it was exactly as if a blunt ax was taken to me. However, it seemed fitting. As I looked at Jacob, I realized that I couldn’t tell him that. So I lied. I told him that everything was okay.

He smiled.

But my baby would never be normal.

I knew what I needed to do.

***

I dreamt of him again. Yet, this time it really was a dream. Not a waking surrealism that my body reacted with this strangeness. I wished he was real.

I’d forgotten how he smelled, tasted, the way he said my name. I could never forget his touch. I could never forget him – not completely anyway. My son was proof of his permanence, but even if I was not seventeen and pregnant, I would only ever love Edward Cullen. Only Edward.

He was my forever. My blackened future. He was scars on my heart. Just thinking about him made it hard to believe that someone so perfect had ever loved me.

And maybe he hadn’t. Maybe he just wanted to know what it was like to roll in the hay with a human, how far he could test his limits.

The phone rang in some distant part of the house. My father was on patrol. He had wanted Jacob to come stay with me but I finally convinced him that I would be fine. The truth was that I was never going to be “fine” again.

The phone grew silent. A few minutes later the ringing began again.

I sighed and lifted my weary body from the sofa. On the third ring I picked it up, casting a glance at the clock on the wall. 11:36pm.

Only one person would call this late.

“Jacob, how many times do I have to tell you I’m fine before–”

“Bella!” The voice made me freeze, made my heart skip a few beats within my chest.

“Alice…?” I whispered, too afraid to be wrong and too afraid to be right.

Then, I felt it. The pain, the wetness.

Then, I saw the blood, smelled it. My heart turned cold in my chest. My head began to pound. I felt sick, weak, faint. I felt my baby move. I felt something wrong in his twisting and then pain once more as if I was being clawed from the inside out.

“Bella!” Alice screamed again, she was afraid.

Was this it? Was this how I was going to die?

I rested a shaking hand on my stomach, trying to calm him. Was this how we would both die – with my fragile human body rejecting my only happiness, my son simply being a martyr to my love for Edward.

I slid as carefully as I could toward the ground, Alice’s screams growing quieter as I dropped the phone with a clatter on the tiled floor.

II


“Emmett, she’s fine. You can stop pacing, now.”

The soft voice was so familiar, so sharp to my receptors that my head pounded with each syllable. I could hear the smile in the deep voice. I moaned as my headache increased and then I felt a soothing calm come over me. I felt like I was floating weightlessly, but something nagged at me until I felt the pressure hit me from within.

With a gasp, I snapped my eyes open, trying desperately to lift my body into a sitting position. A sharp pang hit me and I felt as if I was being ripped in two.

A soothing voice whispered to me, shushing me, calming my whimpers and helping me to lie back down gently.

“My baby…”

“The child is fine, Bella,” said the same deep, comforting voice – with a lilt of something that I just couldn’t place.

My eyes opened and tears spilled in rivers over my flushed cheeks. I didn’t even bother to fight them. “Carlisle…” I whispered.

My gaze traveled past him to the other three. Emmett, Jasper and Alice stared at me, all with various looks of concern on their faces. Alice’s eyes were filled with tears and a deep part of me wondered if vampires could cry. I smiled at them and felt the hole in my chest stretch then contract, shrinking a bit.

I had my family back.

If only I had him as well.

But it hurt too much to think of his words – of him saying that he didn’t love me anymore, so I tried to bury it for their sakes. I didn’t want our reunion to be this way. I was vaguely aware of Alice taking me in her tiny arms and shushing me.

After I had calmed, I realized that it was dark outside, that Alice was holding me on top of my bed. I felt the mattress give as Emmett sat down beside us. He smiled at him and ruffled my hair a bit. I smiled at him the best I could. Jasper sat backwards in my simple folding desk chair. He gave a small wave and I smiled for his benefit. I hoped that he was not still worried about my birthday party.

That had seemed so long ago – had it only been half a year?

Carlisle was placing some items in an orange backpack that I immediately recognized as my own. I vaguely noticed a piece of grey cloth that he was stuffing in it and then it felt like I was hit by a Mac truck.

Edward’s scent was everywhere. My senses were heightened and I felt cold. I began to shiver and my baby seemed to understand. He kicked me – gently – a few times before quieting again.

“Where is he?” I whispered. I saw Emmett and Jasper both cast a glance at Carlisle’s back. The man’s shoulders were rigid and he stayed turned away from them.

Alice began to stroke my hair, murmuring an old lullaby to me. I felt so cold as my baby let me know of his presence again, a bit harder with his kicking this time. “Where is he?” I asked once more, forcibly and caught Alice’s eyes.

“He’s in the forest,” she muttered.

My heart felt like it stopped and then began to speed up again. My baby began to kick me violently and I winced, biting my lip.

“Talk to him, Bella,” commanded Carlisle softly as he turned to face me. His topaz eyes were desperate. “He really does love you.”

***

“It’s your own fault.”

I heard her long before I saw her. My senses felt heightened and I wondered if this was perhaps what my life would have been like had he changed me.

If he’d never left me.

“Damn it, Rosalie. Leave me to suffer in peace.”

“Suffering is the opposite of peace,” I whispered as I came into the familiar clearing, the place where he had told me that he didn’t love me anymore.

I watched as the muscles in his shoulders tensed. He straightened his spine but did not turn around. Rosalie turned to face me and for the first time, she seemed happy to see me. She actually smiled, her smile grew as she walked forward, placing a shaking hand on my pregnant middle.

“Bring him back to life,” she whispered and then, pulled me into a gentle hug, muttering in my ear “I’m glad that you are… that you both… are alright.”

If I thought nothing else could shock me, I was wrong. Rosalie patted my face, reminding me a bit of Esme before disappearing along the path toward my house.

Silence stretched between us. He never turned to face me.

“I didn’t think you would ever come back,” I said this quietly, as loud as I could muster without breaking down. Yet, I know he heard me.

“I know you don’t want this,” I whispered, taking a step toward him when he suddenly whirled around to face me. He was angry, livid but his eyes weren’t dark with bloodlust. Yet he had startled me and I stumbled back a bit into a tree. I gripped its bark with my fingers to keep my balance.

“You don’t know what the hell you are talking about Bella.” He didn’t scream at me. Instead, his voice was deep, intense and I felt like a child in his presence. I felt defeated as the gaping hole he had created began to expand again, the hole he had given me in his absence.

“You don’t deserve this.” He was disgusted and I was ashamed.

“I know you don’t love me, Edward but don’t I deserve a little compensation for you destroying my life?” The words spilled out of me and I didn’t realize them until it was too late to take them back.

“Compensation?” His brow furrowed. “Is that…? I don’t…” He trailed off, speechless.

Would he never cease to surprise me?

“I know that you probably don’t want a child and I know that you definitely would not wish to have one with me. I’m sorry but I can’t… Don’t make me give him up…please…”

His beautiful face twisted in pain. “Do you really believe… I would ask something of you, Bella?”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore.” I answered honestly.

I was suddenly and unconditionally afraid as he made his way to me. With my back to the tree, I had no escape route – not that it would matter with his abilities anyway. I found I wasn’t afraid of what he would do to me. Even if he didn’t love me, I knew he would not hurt me. I was more afraid of what I would do being so close to him.

I was once unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Even as unrequited as that might be, it was still the truth.

“Bella…” My name sounded so beautiful in his voice. He reached out and rubbed the back of his fingers against my cheek. I shivered more from want to the cold but he still pulled away from me.

“No, please…” I whimpered. He was breaking me. Again.

“Bella, I’m sorry.”

I opened my mouth but nothing came. My voice had abandoned me and my eyes betrayed me as my tears spilled over once more.

“I’m sorry that I lied to you.”

My eyes widened. My heart quickened and I knew he could hear it because he place his hand against the pulse thrumming in my neck. I knew in one swift move he could kill me but I couldn’t bring myself to get away from him.

His father’s words echoed in my head. “He really does love you.”

I couldn’t dare to hope. I knew it would be the death of me in the end.

But what one knows to be right and what one does is often never the same thing.

“I love you, Bella.”

Suddenly, his cold lips were on mine. His body pressed up against me. I gripped at his jacket with one hand and the other slid up into his hair. I gripped it as he trailed kisses down my neck, lingering a bit over my pounding heartbeat before claiming my lips again.

My soul began to feel up – become whole once more.

The world rotated, twisted and returned to its rightful place – right-side up.

III


Alice smiled as she saw the vision. She looked at the faces around her, measuring the relief she saw manifest in every pair of eyes. She gently took Jasper’s waiting hand, leaning in to him.

Everything was how it should be.

Her family was together again.

She knew the future. She knew that it would be hard and that the pregnancy would take its toll on everyone. Yet, it would be worth it in the end.

The future looked bright again.

Sparkling like her own skin in the rays of the sun.

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Comments {2}

applecandy22

From: applecandy22
Date: Mar. 25th, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
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Beautiful!!! I love it!!!

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phoenixrising06

From: phoenixrising06
Date: Mar. 25th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
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*adores this*

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